Is this loneliness a part of my purpose? It must be. It feels like it. It must be why I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing. I have no idea why I feel like that. I keep asking myself questions, yet I always end up even more puzzled. And it’s not even as painful anymore. Sometimes it’s a bit more. Sometimes it hurts like hell. But it’s not because of that. I keep thinking about that girl. It’s so funny thinking about a person you met 5 years ago, yet now all the lessons are coming. Now you understand them. Was I too busy back then? Was I too blind? How to know I am not blind right now? I don’t know anything really, except for what I feel. And sometimes even that bugs me, scratches my mind. I do like people though. I really do. I don’t need them, but I like them. I don’t like myself all that much. Which is why I am so scared. I always put their needs in front of mine. And then I hate them. I just don’t want to regard their existence. And sometimes I want to give them all the love in the world. Is this normal though? How would I know? I don't know who to ask. But what if I did, and they had the wrong answer? Because I know I’d listen to them immediately. I never question their opinions. It’s because I love them. I can’t help it. But who can though? Isn’t love all about that? Trusting someone, completely and utterly, as they would say? Who loves like that anymore? I haven’t seen that kind of love in a long time. Sometimes I just sit and dream about that kind of love. And then he appears. Shortly afterward, my fears come up. And then I don’t do it. But I promised myself I would stop. I never regretted being vulnerable. Just sometimes, when it gets too painful. Which is a lot more times than I would care to admit. So maybe it's supposed to be like this. Going back and forth, questioning and guessing. Removing, reassessing. Maybe it's going to be clear at some point. If it is, will you let me know? I hope you will. And I will let you know, too. I promise. Because love is all about that. Trusting each other, and keeping our promises. Regardless of anything. Or so I think.
