I feel all right. I feel ready. What did I need to do today? I feel I am okay. Did I send the email? This is okay. I feel good. I feel calm. Now I am sedated. I already regret it. Is it because I did it? Why did I do it? Will it affect me again? I shouldn't have done it. I am just wasting time. But it wasn’t my fault. They said it. I had to do it. It’s not my fault. That’s a lie. It is my fault. Should I tell them? No. Just leave and don’t say anything. They won’t understand anyway. They will probably laugh. They will probably know. This is miserable. But I was okay a minute before. Maybe I still am. I am not sad. I am not depressed. Maybe it’s not a big deal. Maybe it’s fine. It’s not fine. This is miserable. Is this how he felt? Is this how it feels? It was just one. It’s okay. I lasted for so long, it’s not going to be a problem. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Except for that one careless, innocent slip. Is it possible? It can’t be. It won’t be as bad. I am strong now. I am not sad. I am not depressed. I do feel empty though. Is that the reason? Is this why I did it? No. Maybe it was boredom. I was okay. I was better. Is this even real? Maybe I am just weak. It’s not maybe, I am weak. I am sad. I am depressed. Have I been depressed this whole time? Did I just hide it? Was this what reminds me? It’s fine. I am ready for life again. How is it possible? I was okay. What happened? I promise I was fine. Nothing happened. Or did I just forget? I never forget. I always remember. I know what pain is. I felt it. Some days, it started with the wake-up. You wake up, and your first breath feels like climbing a steep wall with glued hands and a backpack full of rocks. And the worst thing is, I need the rocks. Why would anyone need such heavy rocks? How did they even get in my backpack? But I can’t let them go. I need them. I don’t even know how to live without them. Would I be able to climb without them? I heard someone say that it’s easier. But it’s not. Life is hard with or without them. And I did leave the rocks one time. Maybe a few times. But I always knew where I left them. It was easier, just for a second. But I missed them. It was harder. I missed my old little rocks. I knew where I left them. I took them again. I took them over and over again. I don't think I can anymore. I know I must let them go. But how can you let go of something you’ve had your whole life? I know, it’s going to be easier without them. I’ve heard it before. But where would I even leave them? I have no one I can trust. I can’t just leave them like that. I’ve been with them my whole life. I know they are weighing me down. I know sometimes they are in front of me and on my back at the same time. I think I cannot carry on with their weight anymore. I must go on. I need to go forward. I have a purpose. I can help the world. I can help someone. I’ve seen it in my mind. And I felt it. I know it’s true. I know it's true. My little rocks, is it okay if I leave you? It’s hard for me too. I have to move forward. I even made this spreadsheet. I have this app now. It counts the days. I already miss you. Will I be able to do it? Please, let me do it. I can’t go on.
Forgive me.
I must go.
I love you.
I have to.
I must do it.
I love you.
I have to.
