I am so scared though. And all the time. Don’t you feel scared? At all? Most people don’t. at least the ones I see. I don’t see fear. Do they see fear in me? I try to cover it up. You know, I walk a certain way. And also, you know, it's the ashwagandha I started drinking. Sure. It must be it. I am "in". Yeah, exactly. I’ve done psychedelics. I am cool. I am adventurous. I want to try stuff. But do I, really? Fuck no. Tripping is not fucking scary. Life is. I am scared of life. I am scared of facing the same problem every single day. I am scared of saying the things I know I need to say. I am scared of being there. What if I am, and then they’re not? What if they can’t see it? Should I just stand there? But how will that look? What if I then start thinking? I am so scared of my thoughts sometimes. I just sense that it’s coming, and I just stop it. I turn on anything that could keep me entertained. And then I just lie to myself if that I am being productive. I am learning. This is a good TED talk. It’s about relativity. Or something. I don’t understand it. But maybe if I keep listening, I will. I remember I always had trouble understanding that. I had trouble understanding many things. But hey, let’s see what this new YouTube suggestion says. This one is about Space X. I heard that’s top news right now. I should be up-to-date with it. You know, a zeitgeist. I don’t know what it is with that word, I just liked it, always. Zeitgeist. “The defining spirit or mood of a particular period of history as shown by the ideas and beliefs of the time.” What does that even mean though? I don’t know. I just like to be contemporary. Á la mode. But at the same time vintage. Some 80s-style hat with my overalls. Big fat socks rigorously made out of wool. So you can see them. But they are also super warm. But we both know it’s not because of that. It’s because that’s what's up right now. We all want to be unique but we all follow the same shit all the time. We all want to be ourselves yet we run from it in the first second we have a chance. With a drug. With a love. With a movie or even with a hike. As long as it is something as entertaining enough to get us away from where we are. And the worst part is, you can’t even see it. You know it, but you can’t see it. You can’t stop it, even though you know it.
And then there is a friend you’ll see on the street. You’ll look at them and just ask something simple. And they will tell you, something even simpler. But in that fragment of a second, you will look at each other, and just understand. Understand that it is time to go. “Yes, I’ve got this thing…” “Yeah me too.. it was nice to see you! Let's message soon!” and indeed, it is always nice to see them. The only thing is, you will never see them again. And then a few years later, you would think, but what was I supposed to ask them? Should I have taken their hand and just drag them to the nearest coffee place and then talk to them for hours? I really wanted to know how they were doing. How was life for them? I remember they had some struggles with that thing… maybe I could have helped. Why didn’t I ask them? I should have. But at that moment, at that fragment of a second of a look.. there was nearly nothing more that could have been done. It was the fear. And then you move on. You say that’s what life is. But you are scared to ask, so scared, to ask whether you should do something differently next time? You probably should. You probably will. At least try. Get the fuck away from that fear. You need to. “I swear, as soon as I have the chance…”
