You think that you have reached something. You believe that you are the person you’ve always wanted to be. You are sure that, you are finally walking through your by yourself determined life path and never want to change anything about it… until you come to a point where you really begin to question, whether what you feel is the real gratification you have always been chasing?
While getting out of the quick shower, I came to realize I had felt in a way I have never felt in my twenty years of this life. I might have lied to myself that I did, I might still do, but in that present moment, I finally felt homeostasis. No one was there to prevent me, or to intrude on my inner desires, neither did I restrict myself because of some nonexistent justifications.
As I heard the knock on the door, feelings of excitement were running through my stomach. While walking there, assembling those feelings was something I did quite often with him. It was not something I wanted to do, it was just something I felt I had to do.
“Hello. Come in.” -conveying coldness.
I’ve been trying to find the exact word that would portray this person, but no word ever seemed right. He was deeply unusual. He was the type of person that you would think you could never trust. At the same time, you could think that the only thing not lying to you and showing you the truest reality on this planet was just his words and actions. Maybe it was something connected with his majestic appearance. No girl should ever trust a guy with a body so gracefully proportionate.
Silently sitting on my bed, both of us were building a wall of mild anger toward each other. Or maybe it was just me, and he was, as he explained himself, just reflecting my feelings. It was kind of a déjà vu. Almost every time, we (or I) would start off with a deterioration, as if it was a turn-on, a prologue to our later great passion. He would try to touch me, and I would neglect him.
“Leave everything on the side. I’m here, and I am with you. You should understand that.” –he was saying while I was trying my hardest not to loosen myself and take off his white sweatshirt.
As I was playing mad for not getting enough attention, he would gently push me by his side, slide his hand down my waist with his other one fondling my neck, and make me forget any insecure thoughts I had. He knew how to play, and he was playing well.
Every episode would finish the same, though never in a bad way. I would walk out of his room, or he from mine, leaving me something to think about, or at best, finding a solution to some of my inner doubts, without even him knowing. I would never let him know, however.
It was different. Seeing a man coming from such a different place was the most pleasant challenge I would ever think of facing. Walking through a foreign pace would seem somehow uncomfortably unfamiliar, but for me, maybe gathered with every occurrence at that point, was a release from any boundary I had left in my body.
The next day, the feeling of taking the steps at the wharf was merely a feeling of floating through the whitest cloud that had ever existed. “One, two, three, four…” counting the steps, while concentrating on every sound around me, every single wave splashing a kid and every single mother crying out loud not to go into the water too deep, every single dog howling and looking for a warm petting from a human, and every sea lion making the most beautiful sound, without any reason.
Sometimes I sat on the bench furthest away, where you could just hear the ocean, sometimes, I sat on the ones in the middle, where I could observe the boats exploring it.. but, sometimes, I would just sit at the beginning, where you could hear voices of people from all over the world, sensing the happiness in their breath just by being there.
My dream life path included being an exceptional journalist, writer, having a family, and making them proud with my accomplishments.
Today, meditating on the most restful sand on earth, my dreams were the only words I could think of, saying them all over again to everything surrounding me, “I’m here, and I’m with you”.
